Say what!?

Ok, so I have a gripe. And I am sure I am not alone here. Parents — do your kids suffer from selective hearing? O-M-G! I can’t believe how with each passing year it’s a disease that plagues my house more and more. I say disease because it totally spreads. Once one checks out, they both check out — hey, I am always complaining my kids don’t use enough teamwork so maybe they listened to me on this one? Doubtful.

So where do I start? Getting dressed for bed and showering. Possibly my most frustrating time of day.  Here’s an accurate depiction of how that nightmare of an hour goes:

“Sawyer, go take your shower.” “OK Mommy.” Twenty minutes later, shower has been running at scolding hot so I go see how she’s progressing. I walk in to her sitting on the counter watching her tablet. WTF???? “Sawyer, you aren’t in the shower and you’re wasting hot water that I’d love to have some of later on.” “Sorry, I will get in now.”  Ten minutes later….I walk into the bathroom again to Sawyer full blown singing the entire score for Music Man. “Sawyer, are you finishing up, I told you to get going.” “Oh, I didn’t know you wanted me to wash myself yet, sorry.” Me: Turn head. Bang into wall. Every night.

Garrett, my little guy, is a close second in frustration level. He showers fast but here’s how the post shower game plays out. “Garrett, get dressed.” Garrett, (naked and running after the puppy), “What?” “Get dressed.” “Ok.” Five minutes later, I notice he has one sock on, and is standing in front of the window, giving everyone in the front yard quite a show. “Mommy, what was I supposed to do?” Ahhh. To be six and have no listening skills….or modesty apparently.

Planning dinners is another super fun activity around here.  I sit with the kids every week and we discuss what they’d like for dinner. I even make sure before I grocery shop that they are on board since one or two days have passed since we last talked, and in kid time, they may have easily “decided to hate” the foods from two days ago. The fridge is fully stocked by Friday each week and here’s how Dinner 1 goes:

SALMON. RICE. BROCCOLI. CRANBERRIES.

“Why did you buy salmon Mommy?” “Um, you told me you like salmon.” “Well I like it but not for dinner.” “I told you it was for dinner.” “You did? I don’t remember.” Shocking.

Dinner 2:

HAMBURGERS. SWEET POTATO FRIES.

“Mommy these fries aren’t potato.” ” I know! They are sweet potato, we discussed this.” “Was I playing Minecraft when you asked?” “Probably.” “Then I don’t remember agreeing to eat this.”

UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have so many examples, oh so many. I could write a book. From not listening to where we are vacationing this summer, to forgetting to put on shoes before school even after I have asked at least twenty times, this selective listening disorder seems to have no cure and seems to break boundaries and invade every area of daily life.

So when DO the kids listen? When I say I am buying them something. Oh that shit they will remind you about every five seconds. When I tell them they have to go to the doctor for a shot. Oh they remember that. Date. Time. Place. Maybe I should start every sentence with a promise to buy them a gift after a shot and they will ALWAYS listen? Wishful thinking.

If this keeps up I will eventually lose my mind. And take a trip to Disneyland. By myself. Seem harsh? Don’t worry, they weren’t listening anyway.

 

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